So I figured I needed to talk about this, but this is the only place I can talk where nobody really listens, so people that actually do see this are seeing a part of me I rarely show outside my family.
I had a dream a couple nights ago, in and of itself it was not relevant to anything, it was a really cool and awesome dream. It seemed tailor made to be a movie in the likes of Scott Pilgrim. It was crazy, and all the crazyness centered around a love interest.
Where the dream factors into my recent look back on how I have lived my life thus far, is who filled in the image of the love interest. It was a friend that I knew in high school and left behind when I moved to Portland. A girl I always had a thing for, but always found a reason not to pursue her. At first, I woke up from the dream feeling happy, I had a great time even thought I was sleeping, and I saw a person's face in my dreams that I had not seen in person in months.
But, as the day went on, I started thinking more about her, and how my life went at that point.
I feel like I missed a massive opportunity at happiness, even if it might have been temporary. I always found some reason or another why we wouldn't work out, and use that as an excuse to never ask her out in the first place. She was adorable, funny, and she understood me in my high school awkwardness when I didn't even understand myself. But she was too young for me, emotionally unstable, I didn't want to fuck it up like I had previous relationships and leave her heart in more pieces than I found it in.
So I settled for the kind of "Big Brother" role. I was there for her when her stupid ex boyfriend asked for her back, to keep her from doing something foolish. I was always there to try to keep her self esteem up, to keep her from worrying about things. Even if I didn't always do enough, I tried my best.
The only time I didn't talk to her for an elongated time was when she started dating a rather insensitive friend of mine, after I advised them both to stay away from each other. (They lasted a month, I think) And that only lasted a week.
But this isn't the only thing that the dream brought to the surface.
I started thinking about how I have acted upon my heart, or more accurately, how my brain has always trumped what my heart felt. I have had two girlfriends in my life that I was serious about. Both of them ended up cheating on me because I "wasn't enough" or one of those other cliche reasons girls come up with when they just don't want only you.
But I have liked many girls. But for every single one, I spent days in my head, picking apart who they are, and who I was. Always finding a fault, or a conflict that would inevitably cause it to fall apart. My mind was always centered on long term commitment, when it should have never been there. I was a high schooler, nothing would last forever for me at this point in my life. I would rather settle for continuous contentedness, than a temporary feeling of true happiness.
I'm not saying that I need someone else to make me feel like my life means anything, it's just that there are times where I become very lonely and feel like the only thing that could make me feel better right then is someone to say that they loved me. (Yes I am a massive woman for saying this. But I will own it.)
The rest of my life is ahead of me. I'm in a new town, starting over from scratch. But at the same time, all the comfortable, familiar faces and places in my life are gone, save for my family. I hope that this dream stays in my mind, and what I have learned from it doesn't fade either.
I want to tell myself right now, that if you ever find a chance at happiness, no matter how temporary it seems, it will always be worth the sadness after it is over. The pursuit of happiness is what we live for, being slightly content is no match for feeling loved, and loving someone. Please, fight for what you want, don't let other people push you into what they think you want. Only YOU know what is truly right for you, and you should find it and live it. Please, live your life the way it is meant to be instead of just surviving it.
I had a dream and it meant I should stop living life like a shut in weirdo.
And if you read through this whole thing (or didn't) and really don't care about my life, I'm sorry I wasted your time, I just need a place to really look at myself outside my head sometimes so I can make sense of it. Just ignore this.